Confidence and Identity

For most of my life, I hated having attention on myself. As a young girl, it was because I was so shy. I was the little girl that hid behind my parents and was timid about meeting new people. It took me a while to warm up, even with my extended family. As I got older, being a wallflower was less about being shy and more about worrying about what others would think of me. I was more concerned with avoiding conflict than allowing myself to follow my head and heart.

I spent most of my life holding myself back. The choices I made were ones that I felt would make others happy. This meant sacrificing my own happiness. It's classic people-pleasing behavior. And I've come to realize that I am and always have been a people pleaser.

Since I've spent so much of my life doing for others and making choices for the benefit of others, I've been working in therapy on putting myself first. It was incredibly difficult at first. It felt like prioritizing myself would make me a self-centered inconsiderate jerk. But it became easier once I realized that I could be selfish in a healthy way.

These days, I say that I'm dating myself. I've dipped in and out of the dating world for most of my adult life. For most of those experiences, I felt extreme anxiety going into dates. To the point that I would literally gag and feel like I was going to vomit. I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I wasn't confident and had pretty low self-esteem. That mindset caused me to approach dating with the attitude, "why would he be interested in me?" I knew that I needed to boost my confidence and love myself more. If I could see why someone would love me, I would be more confident approaching dates.

It wasn't until this year that I finally started making progress with my confidence. I managed to go on a few dates without crippling anxiety. It was so foreign and exciting to be comfortable on dates finally. For a few reasons, I'm not dating anyone new right now. My therapist continues to encourage me to focus on myself and be selfish, for lack of a better term.

Focusing on myself has made me learn so many new things about myself. Through conversations I've had with some close friends, I finally gained the courage to accept and own that I'm pansexual. It's something that I've known about myself for a very long time but was very scared to admit to myself. "What would ____ think?" My people-pleasing tendencies kept me from existing and genuinely expressing myself. It wasn't until I worked on my confidence that I felt comfortable exploring my queer identity.

Pansexual definition taken from thetrevorproject.org

I don't think of this as some big grand "coming out" announcement. Especially because the conversation I had with my immediate family was completely lackluster. It's how I expected it to go. I think my family was less surprised about this news and more surprised it took me so long to accept and own this part of myself. I could be wrong, but I feel like my family suspected I was queer in some way, shape, or form for a long time. They've always made it known that they were loving and supportive allies. They ensured I knew I was safe when I was ready for that conversation. So when I say it was lackluster, it was on both sides. I sent my parents a quick text basically saying, "hey, finally accepted in therapy that I'm pansexual, which means (see definition above)." And they basically said, "yeah, we're not surprised. All we care about is that you're happy." We each said more than that, but that was the gist of our conversation.

Now I want to be clear when I say that I recognize that I'm lucky to have such a loving and supportive family. I know that's not the case for many. For many, it can be a very dangerous thing to have those conversations. But that negativity, hate, discrimination, and danger is why I've decided to write about this. I'm incredibly proud of who I am. I'm the most comfortable I've ever been in my own skin. And I'll be damned if I go on being a wallflower in hiding. I'm going to be loud and proud for all of those that cannot safely be.

During one of my past classes, I wrote a paper highlighting mental health within the LGBTQ+ community. Aside from being a queer woman myself, this topic was especially interesting for me because it's an area I'd like to focus on when I become a therapist. I read a research paper for this essay that shared some incredibly important statistics. The 2019 research paper explained that mental health problems like anxiety or depression were more prevalent for LGBTQ+ people compared to heterosexual people. In breaking that down further, they explained that LGBTQ+ people were 1.5 times more likely to have anxiety or depression and 2.5 times more likely to be suicidal than heterosexual people.

Sadly, sexual orientation and gender identity discrimination persist in the 21st century. Earlier this year, Florida put the "Don't Say Gay" bill into effect, and just last week, there was a shooting at an LGBTQ nightclub in Colorado. The US continues to take bills to vote that take away the rights and safety of LGBTQ people. The fight for justice, equality, and freedom for LGBTQ+ people has been going on for hundreds of years. I want to share a few highlights in LGBTQ+ history, mainly in the US.

All of the following dates and historical facts have been taken from the "Teaching LGBTQ History" webpage:

https://www.lgbtqhistory.org/lgbt-rights-timeline-in-american-history/

To refresh everyone's memory of American history, the European settlers made Jamestown, Virginia their first permanent settlement in 1607. Following the settlement in Jamestown, several issues around gender roles emerged as they continued to develop the area. One of the first issues regarding sexuality came up in 1649. During that year, two women, Sarah White Norman and Mary Vincent Hammond were charged with "lewd behavior." That event is thought to be the first conviction for lesbians in America.

From there, I'm going to jump ahead over 100 years. In 1778, the first documented serviceman was dismissed from the US military for being homosexual. His name was Lieutenant Gotthard Frederick Enslin.

Again, jumping ahead another century, a man named Alan Hart was born in 1890. Alan Hart was one of the first transgender people documented in US History.

In 1924, the first gay rights organization, The Society of Human Rights, was founded by Henry Gerber in Chicago, IL. Unfortunately, most group members were arrested, causing the group to fall apart.

The year 1933 takes us to Germany. In January of that year, Adolf Hitler became Chancellor of Germany, starting his reign of terror. During the Holocaust, Hitler targeted communities of people. Among those targeted were homosexual men. Between 1933 and 1945, around 100,000 homosexual men were placed in concentration camps. They were forced to wear a pink triangle on their clothes to be identified as homosexuals. While groups were freed from concentration camps in 1945, homosexual men were the last to be freed because homosexuality was illegal during that time.

In the summer of 2010, I had the opportunity to travel to Germany. While in Berlin, I saw a memorial for the homosexual men victimized during WWII.

The 1960s in the US saw a large wave of different civil rights movements. People like Martin Luther King Jr were fighting for racial equality, and the LGBTQ+ community was fighting for their equality.

Illinois was the first state in the US to decriminalize homosexual acts between two consenting adults in 1962. Mind you, it was to be done behind closed doors. But it was a step in the right direction.

In 1966, the Compton's Cafeteria Riot took place in San Francisco. A group of transgender people and drag queens were fed up with police harassment leading to the riot's outbreak.

Three years later, the infamous Stonewall Riots took place in 1969 in New York City. The riots lasted from June 27-29. The first pride parade took place on the first anniversary of the riots. Today, LGBTQ+ pride is celebrated throughout June, also known as pride month.

President Bill Clinton passed a law in 1993 to allow people of all sexual orientations to join the military. However, there was one big caveat. People were not allowed to disclose their sexual orientation. They were also not allowed to be asked about their sexual orientation. That continued until 2010 when President Barack Obama changed the law so that people could be in the military while also being openly LGBTQ+.

In the US, same-sex marriage was legalized in all 50 states on June 26, 2015.

There are so many historical events that I skipped over in compiling my list. For anyone interested in the full list that I took my information from, the link is: https://www.lgbtqhistory.org/lgbt-rights-timeline-in-american-history/

The point of putting this list together and sharing these events is to show that the fight for equality for LGBTQ+ people is not new. It is centuries old. While there has been some progress, it's slow moving. Worse yet, groups are fighting to undo the progress that's been made. And that's simply in the US. Countries around the world have varying takes on sexual orientation and gender identity. Global events such as the Olympics or the World Cup can be dangerous for LGBTQ+ people depending on the location. For example, the world cup is currently taking place in Qatar, a country with strict laws against LGBTQ+ relations. While Qatar has publicly stated that LGBTQ+ people are safe during the World Cup, I do not doubt that there is still a sense of danger for LGBTQ+ players and fans.

I will continue to fight for LGBTQ+ equality and safety. Providing mental health services to the LGBTQ+ community is something I really look forward to when I finish school. And I hope that anyone searching for a safe person to come out to can always contact me. I will do everything I can to help in any way I can.

Here are a few LGBTQ+ friendly resources:

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

https://www.glaad.org/

https://www.glaad.org/resourcelist

https://www.bicyclehealth.com/

I want to thank my family and friends for the love, support, and encouragement to find my confidence in myself. Without that love and support, I would not have the love for myself to accept myself and speak openly and freely about accepting myself. I can honestly say that I am the happiest and most confident that I've ever been. I would have never gotten to this point without that encouragement, love, and support.

***I want to add a bit of extra information here. I recently had a company called Bicycle Health reach out to me, asking for me to add their company to my list of resources. Not only have I added the link to their website above, but I want to elaborate a bit more about their company and why it was important for me to add them to my list. Bicycle Health is a company that helps people overcome addiction and manage substance use disorder. They have written a post about the challenges that the LGBTQ+ community faces with substance use disorder. For those interested in reading their post on this subject, here is the link: https://www.bicyclehealth.com/blog/substance-use-disorder-lgbtq-community

Addiction and substance use disorder can happen to anyone. There are many stigmas surrounding addiction and substance use disorder. This can prevent people from reaching out and asking for help. I hope to write a specific post on this subject, but for now, I hope that what I've added to this will be even just a baby step toward moving past those stigmas and encouraging people to seek the help and care that is out there.

And finally, thank you to Roberto, Bicycle Health's outreach coordinator, for contacting me about this. I hadn't heard of their company before and I'm thankful for that email. Issues such as these are ones that are important to me. I'm thankful to know about this company now as an addition to both this post and future posts on this subject.